A career for sympathetic listeners
Published Saturday January 3rd, 2009
According to the most recent Statistics Canada figures, the national divorce rate is hovering between 35 and 40 per cent. Given that number, it's hardly surprising that relationship counselling is much in demand.
Larry Finkelman is a licensed psychologist.
He's also a couples and marital therapist who counsels people seeking help with their relationships-not just married couples, but partners of every stripe.
"We're born with a need to be in close relationships," says Finkelman. "My role is to show clients what a healthy relationship looks like and to strengthen the emotional connections between them."
In order to do that, Finkelman makes extensive use of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an approach to relationship counselling developed in Canada during the 1980s by Doctors Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg.
Therapists practising EFT employ videotaped counselling sessions as one of their strategies, in order to more effectively analyze the dynamics of specific relationships.
"I think that the best source of learning is through video," says Finkelman. "You either need that or consultation with colleagues to be most effective."
Finkelman uses video only with written permission. Everything is laid out at the initial meeting between therapist and clients.
"Clients need to freely consent to the therapy," says Finkelman. "I emphasize the absolute confidentiality of the sessions and what needs of theirs I'm trying to meet. Transparency is the key."
"Part of what I do is to make things safe," says Finkelman. "For some clients, counselling is completely new territory. There's risk involved. It's like going out onto a pond in the winter. They may have fallen through before, and they're aware that they could get hurt again.
"People need to have great courage to work on their relationship," adds Finkelman. "The issues they're having are very private, and the confidentiality makes it safe for people to open up."
That confidentiality is absolute.
Finkelman will not acknowledge clients that he encounters outside his practice, unless he's approached first.
Finkelman says that many of the couples that he counsels have fallen into classic relationship patterns.
"The pattern often hijacks the conversation," says Finkelman. "It steals the couple's closeness and pushes them further apart.
"People either protest their disconnection or shut down and pull away. One person turns up the volume, while the other draws away more. Eventually, the protestor withdraws, too."
Finkelman's task is to disrupt those patterns.
"It's like a puzzle," he says. "Each partner thinks that his or her piece is the puzzle. The challenge is for each person to see the other's experience as valid."
Getting to that point can take a while-an average of 15 weekly sessions using EFT therapy, according to Finkelman
"The sessions are like going to the emotional gym," he says. "They're like workouts to gain emotional strength. Clients need to build emotional momentum. If you go sporadically, then you're back to square one."
A typical weekly session lasts from an hour to 75 minutes, a practical limit when clients are being put through the emotional wringer.
Finkelman works four afternoons a week, from 1:30 to 6 p.m., and one evening until 9 p.m.
"That's not typical of most people in the profession," says Finkelman. "Therapists and counsellors generally work much longer hours."
Finkelman set up his private practice after almost twenty years as a counsellor at the University of New Brunswick.
"At UNB, I had to be a jack of all trades," says Finkelman. "I dealt with a vast range of increasingly serious issues. I developed abilities in a lot of different areas, but I didn't have time to develop a specialized interest. That's difficult to do in an institution.
"Couples counselling has always been my professional interest, though. There's a lot of complexity in dealing with two people. It's multi-layered, and the relationship itself is really the client."
Finkelman says that he wouldn't recommend private practice as a starting point in a person's career.
"You have to have a base," says Finkelman. "You need at least ten years to master your field. You also need to consult some private practitioners to get a sense of the business side.
"Private practice is also something that can be done part-time, to see if it's something you might like."
Couples therapists come from a variety of backgrounds.
"You can get into the field through different doors," says Finkelman. "You need a minimum of a masters degree in social work, psychology or counselling. Qualifications are also tending towards a PhD."
Finkelman himself holds a master of applied science in applied psychology from Waterloo, plus his EFT certification.
Regardless of background, the lure of being a couples therapist is probably universal.
"It's about helping people," says Finkelman. "Those profound moments of intimacy that you play a part in.
"It's witnessing people see a part of someone else that they've never seen-and it melts them. Seeing that happen is very, very rewarding."
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